Lets be Honest

Okay, so it has been a while since I last posted something. I think it is because of the comments I received back from my initial post. A lot of people personally messaged me about what I should and should not say. I know their intentions were good but also very discouraging to my continuing the blog. I was instructed not to: talk about my money, express my feelings or thoughts about my kids (even if they are sarcastic), to keep it light and airy. But “light and airy” is not what helps me feel good. I am going through the toughest time in my life which has been brought upon me by two people, the person I loved the most and myself.
 
But here I am. Thinking all this time, “How am I supposed to help myself and other people going through this being ‘light and airy’?” That is not the purpose of the page. In the time that has passed since my last blog I have fallen behind so much on my bills, watched my little brother get married , intensified my job searching for a part-time job, and enrolled in a money management class. So now that it’s all out on the table lets talks about it.

 

BEHIND ON THE BILLS

 


I haven’t looked at my current status. I have been paying off my notices with a credit card and focusing on paying my rent with my paycheck. At the end of the week there isn’t much in there that I get to spend on things like bills. With claiming zero in all sections of my state and federal taxes the largest amount comes out of my check. Over the past few weeks it’s averaged at 20% of my paycheck, followed by 28% to my insurance and then 36% to my child support. That leaves me with 16% to live with. That means rent, gas, food, bills, and things to do with my kids. On 16%! It is stressful, trying, and physically impossible. I find myself crying out to God to save me, whatever that means, however it looks, whatever it takes.

This past week opened up my bank statement to see what it was like after the paycheck went in on Friday morning and I was $70 short for Novembers rent. I’m not much of a crying guy but I cried for almost ten minutes. I placed my hands in my head and shouted out to God. Questioning if he even hears me, I haven’t spent a penny of my paycheck all month just so I can pay my rent and I was short $70. I can’t ride out my credit cards and they are going to cut me off at some point when I need to use real money and it is not there.

 

MONEY MANAGEMENT

 

I started classes at a local credit union in the county I work in. They provide you with tools to help plan your finances. If there is one thing I am thankful for through all this, it is this class. I am learning how to allocate my income, consolidate my debts, and plan for “unexpected expenses”. The first thing is to recognize that the “unexpected” should be expected. The goal of that is to put away money for the rainy days. Those cliché things your grandparents told you are the key to being on top of things. Another thing is to give my money a purpose. If my money is not labeled to a specific task I will spend it on anything I “feel” I need to spend it on, and most of the time that is not a wise choice.

It has been two weeks now that I have been in this class. It’s once a week and the information that we cover is both stressful and promising. One thing that I am learning about this is to face my fears. Money was always my biggest fear. I never faced it when I was with Rachel. I just gave it to her to manage. She was stronger than I was because she fought my battle for me. I never worried about paying or managing anything. I only knew how to do one thing. Work. If things were good I didn’t work that much and if things were bad I worked more. She knew how to budget and balance the books. I just had to be on time, pick up more time, and get the bonuses. It was a good deal. Now when I come home the apartment is cold, the mailbox is filled with my past sins, and I hide from my problems. But now I know I’m not the only one. I know that people are doing the same thing. I have the comfort of working out my issues with couples who don’t know what they need to have a family, divorcees who like me never managed their finances and their bills are staring them in the face amongst other people who need help.

This class is helping a lot. I have started tracking my spending and finding out what I cost rather than what I think I am worth. Tonight I plan on setting goals; a three to six month goal, a twelve to twenty-four month goal, and a five year goal. I’m really excited about setting these goals and facing my demons with the help of some people in the community who really want to help.

 

MY BROTHERS WEDDING

 

This weekend was really hard. The finical burden of driving back home with my kids. The stress of three kids in a car while I drive in the rain to a place back home I am not totally familiar with. (I know the easy answer is GPS, but I can’t afford 16% for a smart phone plan.) So to solve that issue I picked up a map for free at a rest stop. It’s not as handy as a GPS but I never have to worry about rerouting. The biggest stress was writing the card. I couldn’t get him a real gift. I wanted to but just couldn’t bring myself to do it. He is my brother and I knew he would understand.

Writing the card took me forever. It was only about six lines. I tried to make them heart felt and encouraging. But how do you do that when you’re in my situation? I could only tell him what I tell myself. Cherish today. Don’t forget about the love you have for each other today. And if you do remember Gods love for us. Just like He is married to the church a husband is married to his wife. With a love that never stops, unstopping, never ending, always and forever love, a love that will never leave you or forsake you, a love that will be there forever. Again, I cried. I couldn’t do anything else except to pray that my brother truly found a love that last a lifetime.   

 

TO RECAP

·       I’m going to be honest and put it out there. That is the whole point of this blog.

·       I’m working on my money situation. There is a light.

·       I’m dealing with love and my relationship. I contributed to the breakdown just as much as she did.

·       God will never leave me. Even though I feel like he has.