Badly Broken (When Pain Becomes Reality)

Hello again. 

It has been another long time since my last post, but I think I am getting better. It hasn't been a couple months. Hopefully I’ll get better at putting it out there.

Going through this divorce is hard work.

The children are re-identifying themselves and trying to understand their relationships with Mom and Dad, along with our relationship. When a child is going through a divorce it can be hard to come to grips with the new relationship their parents have “chosen”.

The talks have become more realistic. Life is stopping me and literally squeezing my heart. Recently we have been talking about the house, divorce paperwork, and child support. I’m drowning in everything in my life and it feels like there is no light ahead. The house may come back to me, it’s being negotiated and I may end up getting that. I don’t know if that’s a win or a loss. Child support is not going to stop by the looks of it, my $225 a week is too nice for someone to give up. It’s a drain on me and leaves me empty and penniless, but I only hope and pray the girls are getting it.

My pain has recently become a reality. On Wednesday the 13^th of November I went to the hospital with chest pains and a cough. The cough I had since the proceeding Sunday when I was riding out a fever. I went to work on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Then Wednesday night is when the chest pain started and I couldn’t continue “riding it out”. I sat on my couch clenching my chest and wondering “Am I having a heart attack? Are my problems and my life too much for me?” Then I began to cough so hard that I began to vomit. This is when I kicked my blankets off and moved myself off of the couch. Slowly and painfully I began to dress myself and after 5 layers, I went to the car. At midnight Thursday morning I drove to the hospital and walked into the E.R.  

I didn’t know what to tell the lady behind the counter why I was there. “My chest hurts and I feel ill.” I told her. After being informed to fill out a little sheet that looks like a post-it I was out back and in an emergency room before I knew it.

They ran your typical tests on me and told me “It’s probably just strep, that stuff happens a lot this time of year.” Then came in the doctor, she had this look on her face as if she was afraid for some reason. Like what she was saying to me wasn’t real. She began to explain what troponin is and how this enzyme from my heart is not supposed to show up on the blood work as high as it did. Turns out my chest pain was caused because my heart was breaking. I was also informed of a double infection of pneumonia in both my lungs, which medically would of created a virus or bacteria to attack my heart.

I didn’t know what to do. I was being shipped off to another hospital and I was all alone. I sat there with my phone in my hand at 3 am and sent a message out to the people who would care the most. First was my Mom. She lives hours away and I knew she would need to know first, then my brother, followed by a close friend of mine and then my boss. I sent them all the same message all at the same time. I could only pray that when I got to the other hospital I would be visited. The pain in my heart grew over the period of the next few hours. I reached the other hospital in so much pain. Alone. Hurting. Sorry. I have been a man to hold back my tears on many occasions. Recently, in this divorce my eyes have flown as much water as Niagara Falls. At one point in the room I was alone. The phone rang and it was Rachel, my soon to be ex-wife. I didn’t know what to say. My heart felt as if it was exploding and here she is on the other line almost yelling at me about my responsibility to have the kids that weekend. I was in tears, chest coming in on me, and when she was all done, I could only say “I love you”. I don’t know what it is. The fact that she’s the woman I wanted to spend my life with, the mother of my kids, the only thing that motivated me. Now its all gone. No more motivation, no more “ ’till death do us part”, the only thing that’s left is the mother of my children. And I feel as if I’m dying for that.

After three EKG’s, two Cardiograms, two chest x-rays, two different cat-scans, and a tube being shoved up my nose along with various amounts of blood being drawn, there was no answer. I sat in the hospital for four days and three nights. Only to be released knowing I have had a viral attack on my pericardium that was brought on by a double pneumonia, no real information from the blood cultures and all the tests came back positive. I was kind of okay with that. The antibiotics and painkillers didn’t have me feeling any pain in my chest. I thought the doctors did their job. I was ready to go home. Except.

The next day the pain came back. I was released on Sunday morning and felt on top of the world. But come Monday afternoon the pain was back in my chest. My heart still being pressed by the inside, pressure being forced on a muscle that is tirelessly trying to fuel my body, as if I can feel it as it is constrained to the point where it can’t take it any longer, constantly hurting. I called the doctor and was instructed to take two 400mg of advil. I advised the doctor I’m on 600mg of Ibuprofen. This is when trip number two occurred. This time it was another EKG and a chest x-ray, this morning I went back for another echocardiogram. I’m still waiting for the results. But this time I can do it from the comfort of my home rather half naked in a puddle of sweat, sitting in the hospital bed.

This past week has allowed me to think about a lot. I have a lot of stress and I honestly think that’s what is standing between me and my heart. I can’t focus, have bills and now more bills to worry about, and still have to deal with the reality of someone giving up on me.

I have also been comforted during this experience. I found that I have family that really cares about me. Who will move heaven and earth to make sure I’m ok. I was reminded that those who love you enough will come and be there for you. That my friends aren’t a group of thumbnails on a website, but real people in real time and real space that come and sit by you, or call and see if you need something. They are someone you dated in high school who asks if they can send you a big box of comics, a coworker who calls just because he’s worried about you, a brother who drives up just to watch your kids, or a friend that comes and just sits by your side.

As I begin to recover from this and work through the pain. I am reminded that what I want is not always what I need. And that God will use me in any situation to mold me into something that is more like Him and less like me.

It is November and everyone is doing their days of thankfulness. I will tell you what I’m thankful for. I am thankful for the people that God has placed in my life. All of them! Past, present, and future. With out them I wouldn’t be who I am. And last I’m thankful for God. That this pain in my chest, my heart feeling as if it will break any minute. That it is a reminder of what he did for all of us. That I will not have to worry about this pain forever. I am thankful for my beautiful girls and their mother. I am thankful that no matter the consequences here and however long I have to sit in this darkness of pain and worry. That one day there is a light.