Good Morning

Good Morning!
It's Sunday and a beautiful day here in upstate New York.
I wish I could say the same thing about the things going inside my head
The unstopping theorys of what when why and how do not ever end.
Money. Love. Dishes. Cleaning. Bills. Work.
I am always thinking and not doing, anything about the situations around me.

I can force myself to do what I dont like to do. Thats every day. The mornings are not the same anymore. The bed I wake up in still dosn't feel like my own. The person next to me is an empty body filled with an anger that can break through the wall as if it were the Incredible Hulk. An anger that holds me down and binds my hands works on my heart and forces me not to move. It feels that every morning I am fighting a monster. A monster of sin. A sin that wont let me out of what I have become.

I recently realized that I am not the man that I was when I was with my wife. There was something about her that made me focus. She gave me hope and a purpose. I had ambition and a goal: Graduate school, get a 9-5 job in my degree field, continue on for a year or two, go back to school to finish my degree or start on a path to seminary. That was the goal. only half was compleated and I don't know if the other half will ever be possible. I have to look at the life of Joseph and be encouraged that this part of my life is going to be a big pit. A pit that I might have to get comfertable with. A Pit that will not consume me tho.

During these months of solitude, I have had to learn how to do a lot of things on my own. Paying the bills is one of the things I still can't manage to do. I have a full time job where I am paid weekly and it feels that its just not enough. Yes, I have squandered alot of my money on drinks at the bar. Now, after 8 months of drowning my sorrows, I am slowly getting out of that pit. Recently a good friend of mine challanged me not to drink any alcohol for 3 weeks. I believe that I am going to take her challange to the fast. I have never honestly fasted, and challanged my self to such a degree. I have been a member of a church for some time, but never put much of it into practice except for theological study on a laymen level.

Speaking about God, It is Sunday, I feel that I should get something out there before this ball starts rolling. I believe that we do have a God who redeems our sin, who created the world and everything in it for His Glory. I am not going to use this blog tho to shove God in your face. But I am going to tell you how my relationship with God has changed and is continuing to change. I feel that this is the most important relationship a person can have and that out of this our monsters will be destroid. Not because some magical beam of light is going to come and zap them but because you have the balls that I don't right now. To get up in the morning with that same motivation I had when I was with my wife. To do your job and know who you are in this world. For me I know I am a child of God. My job..... It's more than a database tech, it's more than a father, it' more than a friend. I just don't know what it is yet. 

Good Morning.
Steve

Getting Out There.

Hello,

My name is Steve and I'm starting this blog to get things off my chest.
I'm 29 and in the middle of a divorce. I have 3 kids and live in upstate New York. Not 40 minutes outside of NYC but up state. Like Syracuse and stuff. Four hours outside NYC. I live in a tiny apartment and have my kids a bit during the week. I have a fulltime job where I work for a database company and I have a part time business where I sell wine. Yes, I sell wine... It's fun. I enjoy it. It gives me something to do when I'm not behind a desk.

My kids are all girls. Uggggh right. Or Yey!!! I like them. I don't know what I would be with out them. They are so energetic and excited about life. I just wish they didnt need to grow up and become cogs. That's what I want to teach them now. Not to be a cog. Its so hard. Their mom is social cog that plays into the game of social circles and has a dependency on friends. I know I have mine too. And those will show sooner or later during my rants and ramblings.

I plan on making this mostly video and audio, to show you a real person with real emotions. Not someone who wants to help people feel better about them self who wrote a book and lives a nice fluffy life. I don't like fluffy. And I hope you don't eaither.  Just a couple disclaimers about me: I'm not perfect, I am not a perfect speller, my thoughts do not come out so clear, and a lot more things that you will find out as you follow my blog. I plan on attaching an introuductory video, once i get a camera that wont create a video with lag and wont drop the audio after 10 seconds. It'll be just me. Talking to you.

I hope you, as the viewer, can help me make this a good thing. I want to help people and I want to get a lot of things off my back. Give me some feedback, be honest. Please don't be disrepectful or ignorant. I just ask for your love as I start to share my life.

Thank you
Steve.