Broken and Thankful

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and we all have a lot to be thankful for. I epically was thankful for the people who have surrounded me and loved me platonically in the last year. My life has changed dramatically over the year and I’m often faced with who I thought I was pitted against who I am. In these battles various people have come along side me helped guide me along the way. I have to say, their support is sometimes lost along the path. I will gain encouragement and wise advice from them but I often find myself at home alone wallowing in my bed fretting over my worries rather than doing something about them. I feel ashamed at times, taking the support of my friends, because I know it will be wasted, it will be dropped on the main road out, and they will see it as they travel down the road and see their parcel of advice broken on the side of the road.

Suspending all my troubles, I was able to celebrate a beautiful Thanksgiving holiday with a family who’s parcels of support often end on the side of the road, but never forgotten. I was asked to join them in their family gathering of singing and togetherness. When I walked in it was warm and you could smell the turkey when you entered into their mud room. I was first introduced to my friend’s brother whose house it was. Following him was the vast names and faces of the family, which I cannot remember. As I made my way around the house some of the names stuck, because they were similar to mine or because we were introduced five plus times, and other names became similar to those parcels fallen off on the road.

When everyone was introduced I was kind of standing there with nothing to do. The grandfather who shares the same name as me was making his way into the room which they called “the yellow room”. It was suggested that I maybe “papa sit” for a while. I did and rather enjoyed it. The fellow whose name I share was very friendly and talkative. I felt so comfortable in the presence of this old man. Almost as if he was my grandfather. We shared in conversation touching on literature and life. We spoke a little of my separation and about his new book. I was inspired by the perseverance of him to get this work done. He spoke of the time to write it and the process of getting it done. I thought to myself about the rush I have in my life to see change or something accomplished. Where things take years to become beautiful, I or we, often forget that diamonds are made by being pressed by fierce force over centuries in dark places. It is only when they are brought into the light after years of darkness do they shine so bright. This man’s book is his diamond and his life is that period of being pressed into perfection.

From there the traditional holiday events occurred. During the dinner the conversation became more of a creative writing workshop. And I was again inspired by the perseverance of getting their work accomplished. After the warm dinner the pie came out and the conversations grew to wine and the civil service that I will be doing in my new part-time position. The day grew late and my body grew tired. The warmth and love of this family comforted me greatly, and my body was in need of a rest.

After I left the graces of this perfect evening I received a call from an acquaintance or a mutual friend that I share with the friend who was the best man in my wedding. She was home alone with her seven month old baby, no dinner and no festivities to celebrate the holiday. Her desire was company and conversation. My heart broke and I couldn’t say no. There I was enjoying the comfort of what was probably the most Americana holiday I have ever experienced, and there she is, a broken woman who just wants a friend. So instead of heading home to sleep off the tryptophan, I turned around and headed to her house. When I entered in I saw a perfect modern home with all the fixings of a single mom. Everything was new, kids toys scattered around but clean. All the walls were white and nothing was on the wall. This place was nice but was completely opposite of the home I just went to. The home spoke of her, it said it was alone and forgotten.

After I was invited in I was introduced to her son who is named after a great hunter whom was placed in the winter sky. His eyes never left mine and his smile stretched from ear to ear. After I was made comfortable we began to share small stories of how our day was. I told her about the meal and the company of what was probably one of my most memorable Thanksgiving s, and when doing so I saw the sadness on her face. The mood became awkward and I felt sad for her. Here I am a man with nothing, who just experienced one of the best things in the world, and there she’s, a woman who can have anything she wants, being lonely and spending the holiday with a being who can only coo and cry. I sat for a while and waited for her to spark a conversation but the experience I believe was awkward for the both of us. So to end the long pause, I began asking vague questions probing to find out why she is alone on this day when we should be gathered together giving thanks for what we have. I heard her broken story, of being moved from home to home as a child, her dealing with multiple sclerosis, and her ex-husbands and their crazy family dynamics. I heard about her past working at a night club, and how when she cut her hair she lost her clients, about her past relationship and how her books were taken away by her husband because they took her focus off of him. I didn’t know what to say. My heart broke for her. I tried to talk to her about why these things happened and she didn’t really have any answer to how it came to be just that it’s always been like that. I couldn’t offer any words of encouragement to her. She seemed pleased with her life as if she was happy on the outside. I could see this smile that screamed help me. My tongue was stopped because I felt that anything I said would be deflected with a false assurance that she was ok. My mouth fell quiet and my heart began to hurt.

I left that house thinking about everyone in the world on this day. It’s the holidays that make us think of other people less fortunate than ourselves, but what about the people who have it together on the outside? The people who can pay their bills, the people who have a nice television, who have a decent respectable car, who don’t have anyone to share a meal with, who don’t have the peace and comfort of friends walking alongside them to give them parcels of advice and support. I began to wonder how many other men and women were at home on Thanksgiving, alone watching television, getting drunk, working, forgetting taking the time to connect with family and treating it as another day. A day to forget, a day to pass by just as any other day would. I drove home and prayed for people like my friend. I gave thanks for my family: who came to my aid in a time of need, for my friends: who offer support even though it may fall along the path, for my children: who are just awesome, and my wife: for the good years and the unintended lessons I’m learning though everything we shared.

If you’re reading this I ask you to think about people this holiday season. Think about someone who needs, not wants, someone who had their world torn apart, someone who is in need of support and can’t get a grip on their finances or addiction, and someone who has everything they want but no one to share it with. I want you to think about love. We can buy everything we want, we can soak ourselves in all our passions, but we don’t have love when we make things happen for ourselves. It is just a simulated soothing of one self. But try real love. John Mayer, explains it standing in front of 7,000 people in L.A. as a love that isn’t a “roman candle firework, Hollywood, hot pink love, but a ‘I got your back love!’” Think about the people who love and who you tell you love. Remember them, remember you love them and remember to act like it. Remember you told them you love them, and have their back when. I promise you this love is more rewarding than anything you can buy and builds a friendship that can stand forever.

Don’t get discouraged when you see pieces of your love trampled on the side of the road. Keep loving and know that those are only a few parcels that may of fallen off but there are still more being carried.

I think of the one love that will keep us forever and that is the love of God. I do not have the best relationship with God at this time and my love for him is not great. But I know his love for me is greater and stronger than I could ever love anyone. I hold onto that and hope to love others because I am loved and I pray for mercy and forgiveness when I don’t.

God bless you all and be safe this holiday season.

Badly Broken (When Pain Becomes Reality)

Hello again. 

It has been another long time since my last post, but I think I am getting better. It hasn't been a couple months. Hopefully I’ll get better at putting it out there.

Going through this divorce is hard work.

The children are re-identifying themselves and trying to understand their relationships with Mom and Dad, along with our relationship. When a child is going through a divorce it can be hard to come to grips with the new relationship their parents have “chosen”.

The talks have become more realistic. Life is stopping me and literally squeezing my heart. Recently we have been talking about the house, divorce paperwork, and child support. I’m drowning in everything in my life and it feels like there is no light ahead. The house may come back to me, it’s being negotiated and I may end up getting that. I don’t know if that’s a win or a loss. Child support is not going to stop by the looks of it, my $225 a week is too nice for someone to give up. It’s a drain on me and leaves me empty and penniless, but I only hope and pray the girls are getting it.

My pain has recently become a reality. On Wednesday the 13^th of November I went to the hospital with chest pains and a cough. The cough I had since the proceeding Sunday when I was riding out a fever. I went to work on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Then Wednesday night is when the chest pain started and I couldn’t continue “riding it out”. I sat on my couch clenching my chest and wondering “Am I having a heart attack? Are my problems and my life too much for me?” Then I began to cough so hard that I began to vomit. This is when I kicked my blankets off and moved myself off of the couch. Slowly and painfully I began to dress myself and after 5 layers, I went to the car. At midnight Thursday morning I drove to the hospital and walked into the E.R.  

I didn’t know what to tell the lady behind the counter why I was there. “My chest hurts and I feel ill.” I told her. After being informed to fill out a little sheet that looks like a post-it I was out back and in an emergency room before I knew it.

They ran your typical tests on me and told me “It’s probably just strep, that stuff happens a lot this time of year.” Then came in the doctor, she had this look on her face as if she was afraid for some reason. Like what she was saying to me wasn’t real. She began to explain what troponin is and how this enzyme from my heart is not supposed to show up on the blood work as high as it did. Turns out my chest pain was caused because my heart was breaking. I was also informed of a double infection of pneumonia in both my lungs, which medically would of created a virus or bacteria to attack my heart.

I didn’t know what to do. I was being shipped off to another hospital and I was all alone. I sat there with my phone in my hand at 3 am and sent a message out to the people who would care the most. First was my Mom. She lives hours away and I knew she would need to know first, then my brother, followed by a close friend of mine and then my boss. I sent them all the same message all at the same time. I could only pray that when I got to the other hospital I would be visited. The pain in my heart grew over the period of the next few hours. I reached the other hospital in so much pain. Alone. Hurting. Sorry. I have been a man to hold back my tears on many occasions. Recently, in this divorce my eyes have flown as much water as Niagara Falls. At one point in the room I was alone. The phone rang and it was Rachel, my soon to be ex-wife. I didn’t know what to say. My heart felt as if it was exploding and here she is on the other line almost yelling at me about my responsibility to have the kids that weekend. I was in tears, chest coming in on me, and when she was all done, I could only say “I love you”. I don’t know what it is. The fact that she’s the woman I wanted to spend my life with, the mother of my kids, the only thing that motivated me. Now its all gone. No more motivation, no more “ ’till death do us part”, the only thing that’s left is the mother of my children. And I feel as if I’m dying for that.

After three EKG’s, two Cardiograms, two chest x-rays, two different cat-scans, and a tube being shoved up my nose along with various amounts of blood being drawn, there was no answer. I sat in the hospital for four days and three nights. Only to be released knowing I have had a viral attack on my pericardium that was brought on by a double pneumonia, no real information from the blood cultures and all the tests came back positive. I was kind of okay with that. The antibiotics and painkillers didn’t have me feeling any pain in my chest. I thought the doctors did their job. I was ready to go home. Except.

The next day the pain came back. I was released on Sunday morning and felt on top of the world. But come Monday afternoon the pain was back in my chest. My heart still being pressed by the inside, pressure being forced on a muscle that is tirelessly trying to fuel my body, as if I can feel it as it is constrained to the point where it can’t take it any longer, constantly hurting. I called the doctor and was instructed to take two 400mg of advil. I advised the doctor I’m on 600mg of Ibuprofen. This is when trip number two occurred. This time it was another EKG and a chest x-ray, this morning I went back for another echocardiogram. I’m still waiting for the results. But this time I can do it from the comfort of my home rather half naked in a puddle of sweat, sitting in the hospital bed.

This past week has allowed me to think about a lot. I have a lot of stress and I honestly think that’s what is standing between me and my heart. I can’t focus, have bills and now more bills to worry about, and still have to deal with the reality of someone giving up on me.

I have also been comforted during this experience. I found that I have family that really cares about me. Who will move heaven and earth to make sure I’m ok. I was reminded that those who love you enough will come and be there for you. That my friends aren’t a group of thumbnails on a website, but real people in real time and real space that come and sit by you, or call and see if you need something. They are someone you dated in high school who asks if they can send you a big box of comics, a coworker who calls just because he’s worried about you, a brother who drives up just to watch your kids, or a friend that comes and just sits by your side.

As I begin to recover from this and work through the pain. I am reminded that what I want is not always what I need. And that God will use me in any situation to mold me into something that is more like Him and less like me.

It is November and everyone is doing their days of thankfulness. I will tell you what I’m thankful for. I am thankful for the people that God has placed in my life. All of them! Past, present, and future. With out them I wouldn’t be who I am. And last I’m thankful for God. That this pain in my chest, my heart feeling as if it will break any minute. That it is a reminder of what he did for all of us. That I will not have to worry about this pain forever. I am thankful for my beautiful girls and their mother. I am thankful that no matter the consequences here and however long I have to sit in this darkness of pain and worry. That one day there is a light. 

Lets be Honest

Okay, so it has been a while since I last posted something. I think it is because of the comments I received back from my initial post. A lot of people personally messaged me about what I should and should not say. I know their intentions were good but also very discouraging to my continuing the blog. I was instructed not to: talk about my money, express my feelings or thoughts about my kids (even if they are sarcastic), to keep it light and airy. But “light and airy” is not what helps me feel good. I am going through the toughest time in my life which has been brought upon me by two people, the person I loved the most and myself.
 
But here I am. Thinking all this time, “How am I supposed to help myself and other people going through this being ‘light and airy’?” That is not the purpose of the page. In the time that has passed since my last blog I have fallen behind so much on my bills, watched my little brother get married , intensified my job searching for a part-time job, and enrolled in a money management class. So now that it’s all out on the table lets talks about it.

 

BEHIND ON THE BILLS

 


I haven’t looked at my current status. I have been paying off my notices with a credit card and focusing on paying my rent with my paycheck. At the end of the week there isn’t much in there that I get to spend on things like bills. With claiming zero in all sections of my state and federal taxes the largest amount comes out of my check. Over the past few weeks it’s averaged at 20% of my paycheck, followed by 28% to my insurance and then 36% to my child support. That leaves me with 16% to live with. That means rent, gas, food, bills, and things to do with my kids. On 16%! It is stressful, trying, and physically impossible. I find myself crying out to God to save me, whatever that means, however it looks, whatever it takes.

This past week opened up my bank statement to see what it was like after the paycheck went in on Friday morning and I was $70 short for Novembers rent. I’m not much of a crying guy but I cried for almost ten minutes. I placed my hands in my head and shouted out to God. Questioning if he even hears me, I haven’t spent a penny of my paycheck all month just so I can pay my rent and I was short $70. I can’t ride out my credit cards and they are going to cut me off at some point when I need to use real money and it is not there.

 

MONEY MANAGEMENT

 

I started classes at a local credit union in the county I work in. They provide you with tools to help plan your finances. If there is one thing I am thankful for through all this, it is this class. I am learning how to allocate my income, consolidate my debts, and plan for “unexpected expenses”. The first thing is to recognize that the “unexpected” should be expected. The goal of that is to put away money for the rainy days. Those cliché things your grandparents told you are the key to being on top of things. Another thing is to give my money a purpose. If my money is not labeled to a specific task I will spend it on anything I “feel” I need to spend it on, and most of the time that is not a wise choice.

It has been two weeks now that I have been in this class. It’s once a week and the information that we cover is both stressful and promising. One thing that I am learning about this is to face my fears. Money was always my biggest fear. I never faced it when I was with Rachel. I just gave it to her to manage. She was stronger than I was because she fought my battle for me. I never worried about paying or managing anything. I only knew how to do one thing. Work. If things were good I didn’t work that much and if things were bad I worked more. She knew how to budget and balance the books. I just had to be on time, pick up more time, and get the bonuses. It was a good deal. Now when I come home the apartment is cold, the mailbox is filled with my past sins, and I hide from my problems. But now I know I’m not the only one. I know that people are doing the same thing. I have the comfort of working out my issues with couples who don’t know what they need to have a family, divorcees who like me never managed their finances and their bills are staring them in the face amongst other people who need help.

This class is helping a lot. I have started tracking my spending and finding out what I cost rather than what I think I am worth. Tonight I plan on setting goals; a three to six month goal, a twelve to twenty-four month goal, and a five year goal. I’m really excited about setting these goals and facing my demons with the help of some people in the community who really want to help.

 

MY BROTHERS WEDDING

 

This weekend was really hard. The finical burden of driving back home with my kids. The stress of three kids in a car while I drive in the rain to a place back home I am not totally familiar with. (I know the easy answer is GPS, but I can’t afford 16% for a smart phone plan.) So to solve that issue I picked up a map for free at a rest stop. It’s not as handy as a GPS but I never have to worry about rerouting. The biggest stress was writing the card. I couldn’t get him a real gift. I wanted to but just couldn’t bring myself to do it. He is my brother and I knew he would understand.

Writing the card took me forever. It was only about six lines. I tried to make them heart felt and encouraging. But how do you do that when you’re in my situation? I could only tell him what I tell myself. Cherish today. Don’t forget about the love you have for each other today. And if you do remember Gods love for us. Just like He is married to the church a husband is married to his wife. With a love that never stops, unstopping, never ending, always and forever love, a love that will never leave you or forsake you, a love that will be there forever. Again, I cried. I couldn’t do anything else except to pray that my brother truly found a love that last a lifetime.   

 

TO RECAP

·       I’m going to be honest and put it out there. That is the whole point of this blog.

·       I’m working on my money situation. There is a light.

·       I’m dealing with love and my relationship. I contributed to the breakdown just as much as she did.

·       God will never leave me. Even though I feel like he has.

Good Morning

Good Morning!
It's Sunday and a beautiful day here in upstate New York.
I wish I could say the same thing about the things going inside my head
The unstopping theorys of what when why and how do not ever end.
Money. Love. Dishes. Cleaning. Bills. Work.
I am always thinking and not doing, anything about the situations around me.

I can force myself to do what I dont like to do. Thats every day. The mornings are not the same anymore. The bed I wake up in still dosn't feel like my own. The person next to me is an empty body filled with an anger that can break through the wall as if it were the Incredible Hulk. An anger that holds me down and binds my hands works on my heart and forces me not to move. It feels that every morning I am fighting a monster. A monster of sin. A sin that wont let me out of what I have become.

I recently realized that I am not the man that I was when I was with my wife. There was something about her that made me focus. She gave me hope and a purpose. I had ambition and a goal: Graduate school, get a 9-5 job in my degree field, continue on for a year or two, go back to school to finish my degree or start on a path to seminary. That was the goal. only half was compleated and I don't know if the other half will ever be possible. I have to look at the life of Joseph and be encouraged that this part of my life is going to be a big pit. A pit that I might have to get comfertable with. A Pit that will not consume me tho.

During these months of solitude, I have had to learn how to do a lot of things on my own. Paying the bills is one of the things I still can't manage to do. I have a full time job where I am paid weekly and it feels that its just not enough. Yes, I have squandered alot of my money on drinks at the bar. Now, after 8 months of drowning my sorrows, I am slowly getting out of that pit. Recently a good friend of mine challanged me not to drink any alcohol for 3 weeks. I believe that I am going to take her challange to the fast. I have never honestly fasted, and challanged my self to such a degree. I have been a member of a church for some time, but never put much of it into practice except for theological study on a laymen level.

Speaking about God, It is Sunday, I feel that I should get something out there before this ball starts rolling. I believe that we do have a God who redeems our sin, who created the world and everything in it for His Glory. I am not going to use this blog tho to shove God in your face. But I am going to tell you how my relationship with God has changed and is continuing to change. I feel that this is the most important relationship a person can have and that out of this our monsters will be destroid. Not because some magical beam of light is going to come and zap them but because you have the balls that I don't right now. To get up in the morning with that same motivation I had when I was with my wife. To do your job and know who you are in this world. For me I know I am a child of God. My job..... It's more than a database tech, it's more than a father, it' more than a friend. I just don't know what it is yet. 

Good Morning.
Steve

Getting Out There.

Hello,

My name is Steve and I'm starting this blog to get things off my chest.
I'm 29 and in the middle of a divorce. I have 3 kids and live in upstate New York. Not 40 minutes outside of NYC but up state. Like Syracuse and stuff. Four hours outside NYC. I live in a tiny apartment and have my kids a bit during the week. I have a fulltime job where I work for a database company and I have a part time business where I sell wine. Yes, I sell wine... It's fun. I enjoy it. It gives me something to do when I'm not behind a desk.

My kids are all girls. Uggggh right. Or Yey!!! I like them. I don't know what I would be with out them. They are so energetic and excited about life. I just wish they didnt need to grow up and become cogs. That's what I want to teach them now. Not to be a cog. Its so hard. Their mom is social cog that plays into the game of social circles and has a dependency on friends. I know I have mine too. And those will show sooner or later during my rants and ramblings.

I plan on making this mostly video and audio, to show you a real person with real emotions. Not someone who wants to help people feel better about them self who wrote a book and lives a nice fluffy life. I don't like fluffy. And I hope you don't eaither.  Just a couple disclaimers about me: I'm not perfect, I am not a perfect speller, my thoughts do not come out so clear, and a lot more things that you will find out as you follow my blog. I plan on attaching an introuductory video, once i get a camera that wont create a video with lag and wont drop the audio after 10 seconds. It'll be just me. Talking to you.

I hope you, as the viewer, can help me make this a good thing. I want to help people and I want to get a lot of things off my back. Give me some feedback, be honest. Please don't be disrepectful or ignorant. I just ask for your love as I start to share my life.

Thank you
Steve.